| Don't think, move |
[30 Mar 2009|12:28am] |
So maybe I'll try getting back into this livejournal thing again. We'll see how it turns out...
I some how managed to graduate highschool and then went to the University of Alabama. I only lasted a term. If that. I fail every single one of my classes because I never went to any of them. I'm back at home now with the pissed off parents and working 2 jobs. I seriously work every day just about all day. No exaggeration. I've been working since christmas and I've only had one free day these past few months. Monday thru Friday I work at the cafe until 3:30; Monday and Wednesdays I work evening shifts at the sports bar and Weekends there as well; then my one non-work activity is ninja lessons on Tuesday and Thursday night; I knit beanie hats to sell in whatever free time I can find; and finally babysit on weekends if I have the morning shift at the bar. I'm so tired of working.
I babysat today. I think it was a bad idea. The kids were super laid back so I didn't have to put myself in high gear and work hard like i usually do. This gave me time to think. Really bad idea. I've been all over the place today emotionally. ugh. I don't mind my regular jobs because I don't have to think. Just move. Do what needs to be done. If I don't think and just move then I don't have to taken in my reality. And I can ignore how confused and unhappy I am.
I'm not happy in school...
I'm not happy at home...
I'm not happy working...
What makes me happy?
I seriously have no idea.
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[03 Dec 2007|06:10pm] |
In 2007,  whatisnormal15 resolves to... Learn to play the gir.
Ask my boss for a trigun.
Drink four glasses of slash every day.
Eat more punks.
Give some fanfics to charity.
Put fifty incubus a month into my savings account.
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[28 Nov 2007|11:32pm] |
I sometimes forget just how amazing people can be. With all the crap about online predators and stuff we tend to be afraid to meet someone through the internet. We lose chances to get to know some really cool people. One of my friends isn't afraid. I don't know how she does it but she just has a talent for making very reliable friends. She judges how trustworthy a person is then opens up to them. No one can help but love her.
I wish I had someone to get so worried about me for nothing too. =] People can surprise you and be very very sweet.
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| You don't care anymore |
[25 Jun 2007|10:54pm] |
Babysat all day today. blah. four kids. wide range of ages. oh boy. They all good kids tho so it isn't that back. just hard getting them all to agree. and wow. We baked today. One boy wanted cookies and the other three wanted muffins. cookie boy was the only one that knew his way around the kitchen so we have to bake both to keep everyone happy. what a hecktic mess lol oldest girl, Shelby, is pretty cool tho. She's 11 and acts pretty mature unless her lil bro is in the same room as her. they never stop bickering but girl is helpful and helped me with dishes when everyone else was running every which way. She yacks on her cell alot tho. She is 11 and this deffidently doesn't seem like her first cell. damn! I begged and pleaded for a cell cause I was tired of being ditched with no way of getting back as a freshmen. whatev. past is in the past.
Went straight to class after babysitting. boring. zzzz. put me to sleep. Seriously don't feel like working on my paper. For some reason the more dad gets on to me to do something the less I want to do it and the more I just want to piss him off. I gave up a long time ago trying to please him because no matter what, I can't. And even during that time when he approved of me, I was invisible to him. If I was the quiet obediante child then he "approved" of me but I was only acknowledge when it was convinent for him. But Konnor the young son that was constantly causing trouble got off easier than me and was the one that always played with dad. Wow such a jealous little girl I was. If dad is pissed off at me and hates me then he notices me. I rather not be loved than be invisible again. I actually enjoy it now, pissing him off even though it just makes my situation worse, I love making him mad and upset because I hate him just as much as he hates me.
This entry took a completely different direction than what I was intending lol oops. Yeah well Parents got home from their vacation today and were mad cause we didn't really clean up the house. Sorry I wouldn't give up the weekend I just had for anything. Happiest I've been in a long long LONG time. so Screw it. I got some stuff done while I didn't get other things done. You enjoyed your vacation together alone and I enjoyed my weekend so so what I didn't get all your chores done. It doesn't make me illresponsible. You enjoyed your time away and I enjoyed my break from you.
I am a bit upset that I can't really talk to them right now though. Mom probably would forgive me but with the ass of a dad I can't get within 5 feet of either of them. I wanted to ask about how their trip was and dispite everything I hope they did manage to have a fun and relaxing time. I'm also having some trouble with my left ankle still. It's starting to make me nervous. It didn't really hurt before and the burising and swelling have done done but it is really acheing now. I hope I didn't actually do something to it. I want to talk to dad about it because he's a doctor and all but he just couldn't give a shit about it right now. Things have gotten so bad now, he can barely stay in the same room with me and vis versa. ugh. So asking him about it is just out of the question so I just have to deal with it and hope that it will all just go away. Damn ankle.I was feeling really modivated about practicing my soccer after this camp too! but I can't because of my ankle. I don't doubt that I'd be able to handle the pain, I just don't want to risk making things worse without knowing what is wrong in the first place
Life is too complicated.
People react in different ways and have different reasons for their actions. Their true reasons are often hidden and others just jump to conclusions with closed ears to explanations. Or just simply don't/can not understand.
People are too complicated which makes life too complicated.
I need sleep
and
to simply forget all this crap
ignoring everything
will not solve anything
but
it is all I can do right now
night
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| As life moves along, I stand and watch it play out |
[23 Jun 2007|11:40pm] |
wow, haven't been on this thing in forever... nothing really changes around here. Stuff happens but at the same time nothing happens at all.
School got out on the 8th but I feel like I'm just now starting my summer. Right out of finals I took the ACT again which btw I did poorly on. Very upsetting. Taking a college english course over the summer to get it out of the way and so I won't have to deal with it my freshmen year. It's long and boring and I write alot of papers. Been eating up my free summer time.
This past week I went to a soccer camp. Long hot hours but it was really fun. I met so many cool people and I'm sad that I probably will never ever see them again... Sully, Katilin, Ashley, Caleigh, Hannah, Katie, Jennifer, Ashley 2... I miss them all already. So glad I got to meet them and play with them all even if just for a few days. So so glad. I'm usually really shy and have a hard time meeting and making new friends and end up as a loner. I'm really lucky that to have been teamed up with, ate lunch with, and paired up with by chance all these confident outgoing people. I hope they all continue training their soccer game and perhaps we'll met up with each other in college.
I'm covered in burises and I strained my ankle pretty badly but I did myself up today and felt sexy. lol I never take the time anymore to spend time on my appearence. I always always wear blue jeans and a T-shirt and even if I did feel like dressing up a bit I talk myself out of it cause it'd draw too much attention to me. I mean it's not that I don't want to be noticed it's just that people are so use to seeing me in jeans and a T that if I did anything different everyone would stare. Even though it's a nice feeling it's a bit overwelming and I never know what to say. haha Lame reason huh. Sorry can't help the way I feel even if my emotions completely contradict themselves.
Anyways I got a new skirt the other day and I decided to wear it today. Cute mini-skirt, awesome tank top, and ugly burised and swollen ankles. lol so I wore my knee-high boots too. Smokin' It was really nice. I just wore something sexy today because I felt like it, not for anyone. In fact I didn't see anyone I knew today at all so I didn't have to feel embarassed. I went shopping. Bought some new manga, a hoop for my cartilage ear ring, and a new pair of shorts.
Travis was visiting from Alaska and Nick was visiting from Mississippi this weekend so I hung out with them. I miss them both and I loved hearing about all their wack-o stories and friends. They both left this morning tho and I didn't get to say a proper good-bye to either of them. At the risk of sounding incredible cliche, my chest aches a bit. You don't comprehend just how much you miss someone untill you see them again... then after this realization, they leave again.
*sigh* mmmkay Konnor came home from his boyscout camp today. We just chilled at home and watched a stoopid movie together. My cute little brother got a growth spurt and is taller than me now. So not fair! I never got my growth spurt. hmph. Happy for him anyways tho. All his friends are already a head taller than me and he needs to catch up with them. I'm being selfish and want him to stay my tiny cute little brother forever.
I'm not really alone and nothing particularly bad ever happens to me but I still can't help but feel a bit lonely. I can't figure out what I think I'm missing or doing wrong but I know I'm not satisfied. I'm not unhappy but I'm not happy either.
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| the absence of the imagination had itself to be imagined |
[27 Apr 2007|09:12pm] |
How does making me even more upset suppose to convince me to do better?
I emptied the tissue box
I feel like I'm going to throw up I'm so upset
My jaw aches from all the quivering
When I do be honest, things get worse
I know I'm a fuck up. I know. I'm trying to change and do better but I'm going too slow. You don't notice the differences because I'm still a fuck up. What else am I suppose to do? I'm trying I'm trying I'm trying.
I can't think straight when I'm upset. I turn into a blubbering blob of stutters. I'm sorry I've lied to you. I know you hate it and I hate it too. But if I tell you I'm a fuck up to ur face I get upset and turn into a blubbering fool and then nothing gets done. I'm sorry I lie but I lie so hopefully I can fix it. If you aren't physically next to me I'm honest. I should have lied again. Things would have beet better if I had. But I didn't. I should have. That's horrible, I know.
I don't know what to do anymore. I'm a fool and I can't think straight.
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| All midnight eyes read "vacancy" |
[17 Apr 2007|11:17pm] |
I have a two-pack... I have a two-pack instead of a six pack stomach. I'm happy that my abs are starting to show but all I have right now are the top two muscles of six pack and it looks kinda funny. Wished I have all six or just a lean stomach. blah
My ankle swelling is slowly but surely going down and the bruise there doesn't look as nasty but the ones on my shin are swelling now. X_x Knee is turning a darker purple too. I don't bruise! why don't they go away.
It was warm outside so I didn't wear a jacket today. Like everyone was commenting on my bruises on my arms. don't know why they are still there either but I jokingly told everyone that I had an abusive roommate. XD I don't. They are from soccer even if they are on my arms. I'm short so I get hit everywhere.
Goal - slim down a bit more for prom.
Ready, Set, GO!
=P
Toodles
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| This is what I brought you, this you can keep |
[16 Apr 2007|11:04pm] |
Last Game was Today. We lost. =[ We played Bayside and lost 0-1 which is actually really good. Last year we lost to them 0-6 but we held them off this year. Great and fun game. My feet are killing me now though. Covered in callouses and blisters and my legs are full of bruises. Mrs. Black-and-Blue lol Hopefully they'll all calm down by prom. Don't know what I'm going to do for shoes. Back to game. Baysides coach called me out =] during the first half of the game he shouted "#4 is out hustling all of you!" or something along those lines. lol Was pretty cool. Our team started shouting and clapping for me after that. Bayside's coach kept cheering for me whenever I was close to their bench. xD Sort of odd since I'm on the opposite team but flattering all the same.
So yeah. We lost the game but it was a great match. We held them off and I was complimented by the opposing team's coach. Nice.
Toodles
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| mOBSCENE |
[12 Apr 2007|10:00pm] |
mmkay so we had a soccer game today, against Davidson. Gosh I was on FIRE! Their defence was really easy to dribble through and I had several shots on goal. Extremely close but no goals. Nice shot that looked like it was going to drop right behind the goalie but hit the pole, header off of a corner kick that hit the poles corner, and a bunch of other shots. No goals... I really wanted one... really really really wanted to get us a goal...
So we established that I was just doing amazing on the field today, top of my game. Well Davidson noticed also and decided to use low, scummy, under-handed tactics to get me off the field. -_- Crappy. As soon as I would get the ball #2 on the other team would run into me and the fall down dramatically and pretend to be hurt... o_O WTF! I did nothing to her and she was completely fine the entire game! Her coach sent her after me to make me look like I pushed her or I dunno but she did it twice in a row to me and I got a yellow card. I, as in ME, got a yellow card and had to leave to field. I was incredibly upset but now I'm just pissed off that they pulled such a crappy move and that the refs were so blind. gr.
First half was almost over so I sat out the rest of it and then went back in for the second half. Guess what... as soon as I recieved the ball #2 ran into me again and did her damn actor's fall again! I didn't believe it at first but she was seriously targeting me! *sigh* atleast the ref by then was able to she through their damn act so no call was made. Not the end though. >_< This whole stoopid team was out for my blood. They kept trying to sandwich me! We are playing high-school soccer! There was no reason to go to such lengths to take out just one player.
I guess I'm flattered and upset at the same time. Flattered that I alone was so much of a threat to them that they resorted to such disrespectful plays to take me out but upset because I did lose all respect for them and that it worked and they ended up winning. Refs were terrible and the attitude of the other team were worse.
Was a challenging game and we all did really well but because of the lameness it wasn't as innocently happy as our past games.
Only one more game left. Our last chance.
Toodles
PS - I'm covered in bruises ='[ and I don't bruise easily so it's even worse
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| who isn't a nerd? |
[01 Apr 2007|08:35pm] |
| What Be Your Nerd Type? Your Result: Anime Nerd If anyone is likely to dress up in a crazy outfit, you are! You enjoy the visual stimulants of intense art accompanied with deep plots of fantasy, science-fiction, real-life; or you are just obsessed with Japan and everyone and everything in it. They love to gather with people like themselves at conventions and act crazy! The anime nerds are often associated with the stereotype of being the "psychotic" nerd, because they tend to be obsessive over their characters and series.
You psycho! I'm just kidding! But seriously, all forms of art should be appreciated, and anime is definitely one of them. | | Science/Math Nerd | | | Gamer/Computer Nerd | | | Drama Nerd | | | Musician | | | Literature Nerd | | | Artistic Nerd | | | Social Nerd | | What Be Your Nerd Type?
Quizzes for MySpace |
haha very accurate xD w00t anime and manga! Naruto owns j00!
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| rebel rebel party party |
[21 Mar 2007|11:57am] |
Beach trip was a great success! Everything went smoothly except for a few small things but as I said, they were small. =D I had so much fun just chillin' on the beach with friends. We diffidently need to do that again some time.
I did really well with the sunscreen and didn't get burned for the most part. Amazing considering how easily I burn and that we were in the sun all day. I did fry a few spots but they are really weird places to get burned. My ankles and the top of my feet are burned. how odd. lol and Jessica didn't do a good job on putting the sunscreen on my back so I have a few red splotches randomly all over my back. You need practice Jess. =P
Short update for now. Running to the YMCA.
Toodles.
PS- My car is full of sand =[ Have to vacuum it later
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| Why don't you bare your soul to me? |
[16 Mar 2007|05:26pm] |
"No matter what nightmare you face...
I'll eat them all up for you.
Until nothing is left..."
I'm tired of finals. I'm tired of this term. I'm so ready for Spring Break and just a whole day in bed, doing nothing. Only one more exam and a paper stand in my way right now. Just get it done Keeley. Stop putting it off! x_X I'm such a loser. I fail at life. I need to get out. desperately desperately desperately. I need a hug? So sleepy. Just want to sleep. can't can't can't. Don't be stoopid! Write the damn thing. Be done with it. Finish it... don't want to. want to sleep. sleep everything away...
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| Promises not made are Promises never kept |
[13 Mar 2007|02:03pm] |
Soccer game last night was awesome. First half we were losing 0-2 but we scored 2 points in the second half which tied up the game. Unfortunately Robertsdale scored another point in like the last minute of the game bringing us to the score of 2-3. We lost but it was a fantastic game.
I played offensive center mid the entire game. YAY! So much fun. Kalen placed forward this game since I took her usual spot and she had some great plays up front. A few times I wished she would have just kicked it back to me instead of trying to push forward when she was maned but what happens happens. Took me a bit to figure out how to co-play with Julio because we kept clumping in the middle but once I did we worked great together. I love playing mid!
After the game #20 on Robertsdale team singled me out and told me she thought I was a great player. You have no idea how great that made me feel. =] Means a lot when a player on the opposite team complements u. Extremely flattered. When we played Mary Montgomery several of their players complemented my playing too. Just wow. Even though we are a school that focuses more on academics and our team usually loses, just to be noticed by another team, I can't describe how much that means to me.
I'm sorry if I sounded like I was bragging but I'm just really happy. I'm just so use to the people at my old school putting me down and pointing out all the times I screwed up and never when I did something right that I've always doubted my skills. Was it that they were jealous and thats why they put me down? I dunno and it doesn't really matter anyways. What matters is that some people are acknowledging me as a good player now.
Off to class
Toodles
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| Fight the Sky |
[12 Mar 2007|01:16pm] |
I never finished my update about snakey. No one I talked to knew much about snakes so I did some research online. Turns out he is an adult brown snake. They only grow to be little more than a foot long and snakey was about 10-11 inches. He's an absolutely harmless snake and eats snails, slugs, and earthworms. Sounds like he'd be perfect as a pet but I let him go. It would take too long for me to gather everything needed and create the right living conditions for him. I didn't want him to die because I kept him in a jar for too long cause I just wanted to stare at him. I'd feel horrible. So snakey is free and I miss snakey. Maybe over the summer I catch/get another snake to keep.
hmmm I slept through my first class today. x_X oops! I so didn't mean to. I woke up at the same time I usually do but with the time change it was an hour later than I meant to get up. gah. stoopid time change is screwing my internal clock all up.
Soccer game tonight. Playing Robertsdale again so we should do much better against them this time. We need to get some wins in... or atleast a few goals. haha I wonder if coach is gunna play me mid-field or forward today. I enjoy playing mid-field more because there is more room for different plays and more action but if I played there I'd be stealing Kalen's spot. I played it the last game cause she got hurt but if coach gave her position to me that'd kind of take a stab at her pride. >_< Kalen is very prideful. I want to play there but I don't want to upset her. Plus if I get pulled to mid-field our chances of scoring are going to be even less. Sure u can make runs from mid but that doesn't occur very often... I'm stuck between playing what I enjoy most and playing what will help the team most. bummer. O well I guess all I can do is trust in coach and her set up.
I need a nap.
Toodles
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| Project Mayhem |
[10 Mar 2007|10:27pm] |
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Found a tiny snake in our pool today. He was so amazingly cute! I fished him out and just put him in a jar until I figure out what kind of snake he is. If is isn't poisonous then maybe I can keep him. I'd love to have a pet snake. That would be kick ass!
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| Catch me as I fall |
[07 Mar 2007|11:28pm] |
Well my cheeriness has lasted me through the day. score. Soccer practice was fun. Did well and made some stoopid mistakes but thats what the game is. Soccer = Love! haha who needs a boyfriend when u have a love like soccer. =] Although a bf would be nice... bah totally off topic! After practice Alanna, I, and Robyn all went and working out in the weight room. Not a full body one but I did hit all my worse spots. Got my stomach, legs/butt, and triceps (the devil!). I feel a bit ache-y right now so I know I'm going to be SO sore tomorrow. Thats ok too though. Some pains/soreness I like and it'll be worth it. Need to get back into swimsuit season.
After working out the three of us ate dinner together and had some pleasant conversations. Some weird ones too but nothing is perfect. Checked our mail and all signed up for the skating party on Friday. KICK ASS! I also love skating as much as I love soccer. They are both right up there at the top. =P So looking forward to Friday. I'm going to be SOCIAL! haha Weird how that became an oddity this year but getting off subject once again.
The plan after that was to take a shower then chill in teh room but Rachel snagged me and I participated in hall war scavenger hunt. Funny how I kept getting dragged into things today. So not complained though. Was actually really nice. Anyways! We ran around the school taking crazy pictures and bugging ppl. It was a blast. We finished last but we got all of our pictures so we'll see how we actually did maybe tomorrow. Dunno.
I was once again heading to my dorm to take a shower but then I remembered that Micheal had asked me to give him a ride home this friday. Tomorrow is thursday so I don't have a class with him and I didn't want to just spring it on him friday and him not be able to get a ride. I tracked him down outside with a bunch of friends who all preceded to be amazed and shocked that I was actually outside *gasp!* wow I really am a room hermit. It was nice having everyone so happy to see me =) I felt really special and wanted. Thanks guys. I'll try and get out more so the next time won't be such a shocker. I told Micheal and it turns out everyone is going skating too anyways so it's all cool. I hung out with them all outside. Talked about my height and some boys stood on their knees so I wouldn't feel as bad. haha but they were all almost as tall as me even on their knees. Sad. xD We chatted about road trips, ads, my dad's jacket I was wearing, college, food... basicly anything and everything. It was really nice and I thoroughly enjoyed myself. My ears were really cold so I went inside.
Took my long awaited shower and then we had a hall birthday party. My mom came and helped out with the party. She brought my my rollerblades too so I can use them friday. It was nice getting to calmly chat with her and helping out with the party.
All and all today was a pretty kick ass day. Hopefully things will continue rolling in this direction. but for now I have a chem test to study for
Toodles
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